Monday, October 19, 2009

Floating in Solitude

Have you ever felt disconnected? Like you're just sort of floating around, surrounded by people, but still feeling alone? I've felt that way for awhile now.

The preacher gave a sermon yesterday on Ecclesiastes 2:12-17, in which Soloman basically says he "hates his life." (Ecclesiastes 2:17 - "So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.") He felt this way because he realized that both the wise and the foolish share the same fate - they will all die one day. Soloman, at this point in the text, is saying, "what's the point of all my hard work, when I'm just going to be forgotten?" He is frustrated, feeling as if all he's done is simply meaningless. (Sol was just in a bad mood that day, it seems. He later talks about how important it is to work hard and enjoy every day of your life with the people you love. See Ecclesiastes 9:7)

My daughter and I discussed the sermon while eating post-church lunch at a local restaurant. I told her how I had been feeling disconnected, but explained that not once have I ever "hated my life." I have hated situations I've been in, and there have been many times that I looked forward to a specific day in the future, when I would be past this or that bad thing which was going on at the time. But I have always known how blessed I am. Even during bad times in my life, there has always been so much for me to be thankful for: my job, my child, my home, my health, my family... the list goes on.

My faith and my beliefs have never changed. I have always felt God's hand in my life... I just didn't always follow His lead. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't always keep him from drowning in it. And many times I was that stupid horse. I continue to pay debts for my own stupidity.

I'm in a weird place right now, though. It's like I just don't really fit in anywhere in my personal/relationship life. I'm part of a terrific work team, and am a mom with a great kid. But when I'm not at work or doing mom stuff, I'm typically alone. I was telling my mother the other day that a whole weekend can pass - and usually does - without the phone ringing a single time. I live in a small town where everybody is either married with kids, or 20-something and in college. There's nobody I can really call to say, "Hey, you wanna go do something?" I may go see a movie when my child isn't around, or go pick up some food if I don't feel like cooking. But I do it by myself. I just don't have many other options.

I've never minded the solitude. I actually love the peace and quiet most of the time. It's the not-fitting-in part I don't really like. It's a strange feeling. It's a feeling of being disconnected.

Maybe I'm just having a "Soloman moment." Regardless, I'm sure there's a reason for it... and I'm sure it, too, will pass.

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